Ever felt annoyed, angry, irritated? It was an October night. I woke up at 2:15 am pissed off at the world. At 3 am I got out of bed mad, no angry. People, friends and family often think I’m always smiles and sunshine or pleasure and possibilities. I won’t lie – that’s usually what you get. Not today, not now.
- I’m not feeling “connected” as I want in my primary relationships
- my 39 year old cousin (we are more like sisters!) got diagnosed with a brain aneurysm two years ago and is now 650 miles away living life half paralyzed and with neurological deficiencies
- she is no longer able to raise her 4 daughters or laugh until all hours of the night with me or look at me lovingly when I’m being stubborn
- my dad is gone and he never got to meet my husband, see the woman I am or meet his grandkids and be a grandpa
- I don’t have my grandparents to visit in Montana for a weekend getaway to clear my mind, they have both passed
I’m mad that life doesn’t feel the way I want it to… RIGHT NOW!
Then I realize, I’m avoiding my feelings. Avoiding sadness, loneliness and fear and it’s all showing up as anger.
“When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere.” ~Martha Beck
The beauty of being pissed off at the world is… it’s an invitation.
“All problems are invitations to look deeper and live higher.” ~Alan Cohen
Invite your anger, fear, loneliness and grief. What? Yes!
It’s natural to want to push it away, run from it and notice the voice in your head saying “I don’t want to feel that way, I just want to be happy.” I feel your pain, that was exactly how I was feeling at 3 am!
The loneliness was the scariest part. I felt like I was walking down a road I had already walked and I didn’t want to go there again. What was I doing about it? Nothing. Well, that and, avoiding. Which reminds me of another famous quote by Albert Einstein…
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Insane is exactly what I felt like, awake at 3 am, angry and unhappy. To get to a good clean happy you must stop doing the same thing over and over again. Feel your feelings, I dare you, try it! Lean in and feel them.
Invite the ‘icky’ feelings. That’s technical talk by the way. Now ask why…
“Why am I pissed off at the world?” Go ahead, say it, let it out. I already shared mine!
Then ask, “What am I not honoring?”
I’ve learned when I’m mad or angry it’s (100% of the time) at myself.
- I am not honoring my true inner being, my feelings.
- I am not honoring my boundaries.
- I am not honoring my values.
Interesting… I was falling back into old patterns and habits. I was feeding others wants and needs, neglecting my own. I was not speaking up.
I was not honoring the things that feed my soul… my daily practice. Daily I create an intention, meditate, notice abundance and flow throughout my day, connect and communicate with higher beings. I end my day with writing in my gratitude journal. Yes, I let this daily practice slip and put others needs before me. With this realization I felt myself reconnecting to the divine within and around me.
I felt the anger crumble. There I was. No resistance. Peace. Pleasure. Possibilities. Sunshine in the middle of the night and a smile.
What do you do to honor and feed your soul?
I usually try to read something that gets me thinking. I think the soul needs you to question the things around you.
Yes my friend, I have become the Queen of Questions in my life! It adds to the richness, depth and pleasure – just have to remember to do it!
I love this: “I’ve learned when I’m mad or angry it’s (100% of the time) at myself.”
SO TRUE. And not something that’s always easy to recognize.
Recognizing that the anger is not really at something outside of us hurts MORE, but it also empowers us to change. When we sell ourselves short by not honoring ourselves, we feel anger. I love that WE are the ones responsible for changing it.
Thank you for sharing your anger, Ms. Smiles & Sunshine
Amy ~ love your comment and take!
I remember hearing author Byron Katie say…
It’s the same thing. When we don’t honor what we are experiencing and feeling it grows bigger. (i.e. anger) If we can learn to welcome the uncomfortable feelings, invite and honor them, then acknowledge and accept them.
When we resist we struggle. When we accept we allow which creates the space to get creative and make the changes we desire.
Honor thyself. Work, yes. Worth it, ABSOLUTELY.
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What a journey you are on Ashley! I have a rock right here on my desk with the William Shakespeare quote etched in it “This above all; to thine own self be true.” xo
Jen,
Thank you for having the courage to share – I needed this today. Love, light and peace, Anita Mordue
Anita, xo. You are welcome. I find speaking my truth builds the courage muscle… and one and two and three! Something so comforting about sharing and connecting. We are all one.